Transcript
Misty
You are listening to the Spark Influence Podcast with Spark Media
founders Peter and Misty Phillip Spark influence is a podcast about living
a life with intention in marriage, family ministry and as business leaders.
Misty
This show is brought to you by the Spark Media Podcast network.
Misty
Visit spark.
Misty
Media dot Ventures for more inspiring podcasts.
Misty
Welcome back to Spark influence.
Misty
On our last episode, we discussed servant leadership and how we've
seen that modeled for us in our life and how we've applied it in our own
leadership experience.
Misty
One of the things that came out of that episode was dying to self.
Misty
And so I thought that really dovetailed nicely into this week's topic, which
is to become one. And that's because in a marriage relationship we have
to.
Misty
Love and serve.
Misty
Our spouse and die to self.
Misty
So we are about to celebrate 30 year or 30 years of marriage together
and about a week and a half.
Misty
And so I thought this would be a fun topic for us to conquer today.
Misty
So in Genesis 2 this is where.
Misty
We learn that God created man and woman to be his helper, and that
the.
Misty
Two would be.
Misty
One slash, the Bible says that marriage is a mystery and after being
married for this many years, I can tell you it definitely is a mystery.
Misty
I could not describe it any better myself.
Misty
You know when you have two people who are completely different who
come together to become one.
Misty
Forming that one union no marriage is the same.
Misty
No two people are the same and you take 2 sinful people and you put
them together and you hope for the best.
Misty
Not really, but I love the fact that through our marriage and we have
seen this is just that.
Misty
But figuring out what does that mean?
Misty
You know to become one, and so that's what we're going to talk about
today.
Peter
And just in case I forget next week, happy anniversary.
Peter
We get that in there quick and early.
Peter
Get it on the record.
Peter
I I love this topic because, you know, I've seen examples of this played
out and if we take, you know, our time together, friends and couples, I've
seen a large and varied field of what people consider that to become
one, right.
Peter
If you take the cleave to one another kind of concept and expand.
Peter
On that from the.
Peter
Bible some people you know.
Peter
You can classify it into married couples who are truly together and one.
Peter
Then you have the cohabit eighters right who are married but still
strangely have many separations within there within their life and we will
kind of expand on that.
Peter
And then you have the people who are.
Peter
Married in name only, right?
Peter
They're they're sort of.
Peter
Just there and not striving forward for that oneness right?
Peter
They're just sort of doing their own thing and that kind of the.
Peter
We'll talk about that.
Peter
I think we should.
Peter
That's the empty nester, gets divorced kind of thing.
Peter
It's always strange when you see that and that's that not becoming 1
expanded to the end.
Peter
And then you realize, well, you know this was never really a couple.
Peter
It was two people raising children or something, you know, sort of along
those lines so.
Misty
Right two people working on their career or one you know at home with
the kids and very separate lives, not an integrated family marriage
mission.
Misty
I think that's that's where the problem is.
Misty
Is is because people have two different missions and visions for their life.
Misty
And they get to a point where.
Misty
They think that you know they're I'm unhappy or did.
Misty
This person doesn't know me or they don't have things that tie them
together.
Peter
Yeah, and I don't want a soapbox because I can get on a soapbox about
a lot of things, but.
Peter
This is that that sort of falling out of love nonsense, right?
Peter
I'm trying to keep my language PG here on this, 'cause it's really
irritating, right?
Peter
That that you don't fall, that's not, uh, we will.
Peter
We will do a whole episode on love for sure, but to use that excuse you
know to say as a couple we just I just don't love him anymore.
Peter
Well no, you're.
Peter
Selfishly, and, and this is where narcissism I think is probably one of the
most.
Peter
Horrendous sin scourges of all of man's history. It's about me not willing
to work on the US, right?
Peter
And you know it should become us.
Peter
Not just being.
Peter
There's nothing.
Peter
It's not, not saying you don't have a career you don't have goals.
Peter
You don't have things you want to do that really encompass.
Peter
You, as a package individually doing those things and achieving those
things.
Peter
But what it says.
Peter
And I use this term a lot with you.
Peter
There's no air between the couple, right?
Peter
There's no air between each other, so it's not.
Peter
You don't have the private.
Peter
This is where that this is where so many things creep in.
Peter
If you have your own schedule and you're doing your own thing, but you
live at home, there's gaps in your day there's holders.
Peter
Temptation can come from so many directions.
Peter
You travel a lot, right?
Peter
Maybe the man or the husband.
Peter
The wife travels a lot and they're by themselves and there's there's
empty time.
Peter
And then they're hanging.
Peter
Out by themselves and that just opens.
Peter
The door for a.
Peter
Lot of temptation if they aren't fully.
Peter
Cleveden, there's no.
Peter
There's no air between them, right?
Peter
And I think that's when you talk about the two become one.
Peter
If if that is the case, so like in our case that they just totally that, right,
there is no.
Peter
There is no air between us.
Peter
We are very tightly woven couple right?
Peter
You pull one of us out.
Peter
It's it's like taking out a major organ.
Peter
That keeps the.
Peter
A couple of lives, so we have to go together when that.
Peter
Happens, we'll just.
Peter
Yeah, off a Cliff or something.
Peter
But, uh, so I.
Peter
I think that's crucial that you know that that a couple see that as.
Peter
You're not sacrificing and giving up on anything as you.
Peter
An individual may have or aspire to.
Peter
It's not the sacrifice or the disillusion of your goals and aspirations.
Peter
It's the it's the acceptance and.
Peter
The embracing of.
Peter
Your wishes and goals but theirs as well, right?
Peter
That's supported.
Peter
Do you support them and pour into them and help them encourage?
Peter
Them in all the things that they're trying to do.
Peter
Then you will be lifted up and go along with it as well and it will just forge
an incredibly strong relationship.
Misty
That's absolutely right.
Misty
I know that I've seen that play out.
Misty
We know when I left my career to come home to homeschool, the kids
you empowered me to be able to stay home.
Misty
And raised the kids and gave me the resources that I needed.
Misty
But when the boys started to grow up.
Misty
Up and I began to pray about what was next.
Misty
You were so supportive in my writing and speaking and podcasting and
all of the different things.
Misty
And I at the same time and very thoughtful of your work and your
business, and taking care of you, you know cooking meals or just the
different duties and responsibilities.
Misty
That we have in in running a home and how we kind of divide that out
and do it in a way that we do.
Misty
We actually do a lot of it together, so one of the fun things you know as
we have worked at home together for me has been, you know.
Misty
Having the whole.
Misty
Family involved in cooking, meals and meal prep for the week and
having that meeting on on Sunday afternoon.
Misty
Like what does your week look like?
Misty
These are the things that I have to do.
Misty
This is where I'm going this week or what do our kids have or how do we
work?
Misty
All all of that together so it's it's really.
Misty
I think you're right.
Misty
I think it.
Misty
Goes to communication and that's where there's no air between us is
because.
Misty
As we fully know I know all about all of the people that you work with for.
Misty
Better or for.
Misty
You know, I tell you about you know all of my interviews and my
interactions and your, you know, deeply woven in spark, media and the
the spark community.
Misty
But that didn't happen overnight.
Misty
I mean, that took us years to get to that point.
Peter
Yeah, I mean you.
Peter
Know everybody who over 50 is going to say.
Peter
I wish I knew.
Peter
Then what I know now because there's so much education that comes
with experience and understanding.
Peter
OK, then we should have looked at relationships that there's not a youth
has a hard time looking at relationships in a healthy way because it's it's
a strange dichotomy of I'm still me and I want to maintain me and be my
own thing.
Peter
Itself, but I'm going to marry this person and I'm going to.
Peter
Spend the rest of my life with them, but how do I not, you know, their
fear of losing Hollywood hasn't helped us by far, but I want to lose myself
in the relationship.
Peter
Like what does that mean?
Peter
Yeah, of course you do like you you should.
Peter
The two of you should dissolve into one, and that doesn't mean that
you've lost your individuality or have you lost your individual aspirations
or goals for life.
Peter
It just means that.
Peter
You now have a new extra list that you're going to help with because it's
someone else is involved.
Peter
As well, and they're going to shore you up and encourage you and bring
you along and and you should do the same to them.
Peter
And those are really important concepts that take many, many years.
Peter
Sometimes couples don't give it enough time and they just say, OK, this
is not going to work 'cause you know he likes baseball.
Peter
And I like knitting or whatever the stupid thing becomes right that you
dissolve it.
Peter
Because you you know, it's you alluded to it.
Peter
Earlier it's a.
Peter
Lot of work like it's a lot of work right?
Peter
And but it should be.
Peter
It's the most important thing in your life happening right?
Peter
It should be work.
Peter
Nothing good is easy.
Peter
Why would marriage be any different?
Peter
Doesn't mean you just like this whole flow together and never have
problems.
Peter
And you know one of the things that it took us time to learn.
Peter
I think we're still learning it, but it's as important as learning to be
together.
Peter
It's learning how to fight.
Peter
Like how do you have disagreements?
Peter
How do you have arguments?
Peter
What does that look like?
Peter
'cause there a lot of toxic toxicity can creep into a relationship if you don't
understand that because that's problem resolution, which is a basic
concept that you learned in elementary school.
Peter
Like how do you figure it?
Peter
But when it's your wife or your husband, it's a whole different ball game,
right?
Peter
So those are things.
Peter
That that oneness encompasses all of those things, and I don't know that
they're always looked at or or people are not considering them.
Peter
You know, as part of that total package.
Misty
Yeah, and I think something that was really helpful for us and for our
relationship is early on.
Misty
Like we just spoke at a marriage conference and we talked about this
about how early on we had gone to a family life conference where we
took divorce off the table, we realized that our marriage.
Misty
Was it?
Misty
Covenant not only between each other, but also with the Lord.
Misty
And so you know when we said our vows for better, for worse, for richer.
Misty
You said for poorer.
Peter
'cause we were poor at the time.
Misty
That's right, in sickness and in health, like those bad times and marriage
are really bad.
Misty
We say that in our vows, for better, for worse.
Misty
But we don't underst
Misty
And the gravity of that until we're in it.
Misty
And then we have a choice to make.
Misty
Are we going to stay faithful to our commitment?
Misty
And we took divorce off the table, so that helped us learn how to have
disagreements.
Misty
And no, no matter you know how stressed out I was or hormonal.
Misty
Or you know disappointed or whatever the emotions and the the fights
and the things were.
Misty
It was never like we knew at the end of the day that we were going to
come together and resolve the conflict and move forward because we
had made a commitment to God into one another.
Peter
Yeah, you know there's a saying there's a larger saying, but the the short
version is life is made-up of just 1000 small enjoyments or small
pleasures like there's small moments in your life.
Peter
And if you a lot of times, if you think back to past, you'll think back to like
that one time you did this one thing together and it was so neat you don't
remember that.
Peter
You know your brain does record everything you ever do, but the things
that stand out are those little moments like that that those little individual
moments, and so as couples.
Peter
If you would, you think back on that, embracing that, creating those
moments together.
Peter
Whether it is like you said, like for us it could be.
Peter
We just cooked the meal and but we had something great on playing
music and we had just a fun time together, right?
Peter
And that, but that that does or sweetness there, right?
Peter
That comes from that.
Peter
'cause it's it's the life is happy.
Peter
Life happens in the mundane like that's just it just happens, right?
Peter
You don't have.
Peter
These mountain top moments are very rare and few and probably for a
good reason, right?
Peter
You can't always expect to have those moments.
Peter
It would.
Peter
It would destroy you, but for us as a couple and for that that having those
moments in our past, if we look back on that, that's the that's the
foundation building.
Peter
Of our relationship or those sweet times and sweet moments together,
but need to be called out but they were to the point together.
Peter
It was us doing it as a couple.
Misty
Or even I could think of, like you know, that I love for you to make coffee
in the morning.
Misty
It's not a big deal to make coffee right?
Misty
But it.
Misty
Is it blesses my heart when you.
Misty
Get up and make coffee and set the tone for the day or when you pray
with me in bed before we get up.
Misty
It can be little.
Misty
Conscious decisions on our part to understand and know and like the
wishes and desires of the other person, and then do those do those little
things.
Misty
That can just make a difference in the day, right?
Misty
So it's the things together, but it's also knowing and doing for the other.
Peter
Yeah, so you know to take us to another point you alluded to in the
beginning.
Peter
And I kind of talked about it when.
Peter
We're talking about.
Peter
Couples really cleaving right?
Peter
So I have had friends that I've known over time that are married and
have been married for the same length of time as us.
Peter
20-30 years, some of them, some were on their second or third
marriage, but some of the ones are still together.
Peter
And that, but they live a somewhat separate life where I've heard these
conversations where we go out and be like, well, are you going to pay
for?
Peter
Am I gonna pay for it?
Peter
And I think well what do you mean?
Peter
It's the same money?
Peter
No it's not.
Peter
Actually they have their own separate accounts and they have their
money flow into their account and some of them even have like a pooled
account where they fund it so that they can pay the household bills.
Peter
So, but they still maintain their own accounts, and I have always I'm not
judging that.
Peter
But for me that I've always found.
Peter
That strange I thought. Well.
Peter
Everything together you share a closet, you share a bathroom in a
shower and a bed.
Peter
But you can't share can account right this.
Peter
I I just find that I find it awkward and if someone has a tremendously
awesome.
Peter
Inspirational answer about as to why that is, you know, please let us
know like I'd love to understand that 'cause I just don't.
Peter
But that to me in my mind says.
Peter
That's a hold out that's like a not fully cleaved kind of concept right now.
Peter
It may be like I just don't trust my spouse with finances like and then
they've got to figure their own money out.
Peter
But then that's the conversation that maybe should be had and you
should come together as a couple and figure that out, because that's the
thing I alluded to earlier.
Peter
You don't want to leave that gap now.
Peter
There's a gap.
Peter
Now you have separate accounts.
Peter
That there's there's all kinds of, you know, problems that could arise
from that, from unaccountability or not.
Peter
There's no accountability for the spend or where it's being spent or those
kind of things, so you know and and I'm not judging that that that
statement is just not for me and I just don't understand why it is that way.
Peter
And so that's a curious thing for me about from couples talking about us
being fully cleaved, right?
Misty
Yeah, and you also mentioned like the the travel.
Misty
So let's say you and I have to travel and we travel separately.
Misty
We're in constant communication with one another, and I think that you
know, we.
Misty
We've heard the expression about filling your spouses love tank, right?
Misty
So if my love tank is full, if your love tank is full and.
Misty
If we are separate then then.
Misty
We're still one and we're still it's when those decisions that we make
where we start to get those degrees of separation, right?
Misty
So I go on a business trip and I don't call you or you know you don't.
Misty
And then I start paying attention to the person you know who's with me
on that.
Misty
We've seen that with with people where.
Misty
Either both on on the man or the woman side where you know they're
not.
Misty
They're not filling their spouses love tank their their love tank is not being
filled and then they you know end up having an affair or.
Peter
Yeah, that that's a temptation tipping point, right?
Peter
It doesn't.
Peter
No one is happy and then goes out of town and suddenly.
Peter
Has an affair like.
Peter
That there was problems before this.
Peter
There's all this leading up of like your to your point, draining their tank,
and they've been draining it and draining.
Peter
They've been on empty for a long time and then they.
Peter
Go out of.
Peter
Town and then the opportunity shows up and their mind says, well, that
person is nice.
Peter
Let's talk to them like.
Peter
There's a lead up to that, and that goes to the overall relationship to
cleave being cleaved together, becoming one.
Peter
Because if you're both together, if that problem only manifests if there's
been a problem already, it's not a one off kind of scenario, so there's a
larger issue behind that, and that's keeping each other filled up and you
know keeping communication open and uplifting and empowering your
spouse.
Peter
All of those things prevent that knock at the door, right?
Misty
That's right, you know in.
Misty
In Ecclesiastes it says two are better than one because they have a
good return for their labor.
Misty
If either of them falls down, one can help the other up, but pity anyone
who falls and has no one to help them.
Misty
Also if two lie down they will keep warm.
Misty
But how can one keep?
Misty
Warm alone, though one may be overpowered, 2 can defend
themselves.
Misty
A cord of three strands is not quickly broken, so it's really that 3 strands.
Misty
It's it's not just two become one.
Misty
It's actually when we're in Christ we each have Christ within us and then
the two of us.
Misty
Become one so it's really that three cord strand that is not so easily
broken.
Peter
Yeah, correct like that's.
Peter
I think.
Peter
Good point bringing up the Christ in the relationship right?
Peter
These the.
Peter
He's the binder and with that at the center of the.
Peter
Relationship right is very.
Peter
Very strong.
Peter
You have a strong foundation to be sure.
Misty
Yeah, and that means dying to self.
Misty
It means picking up our cross and following him even when the warm
fuzzy feelings of the honeymoon phase are over and there's dirty socks
and dirty dishes and laundry and trash and all of them ain't.
Misty
It's that needs to be done in life.
Misty
It's just maintenance, right?
Misty
It's just maintenance and so really taking time to communicate to your
spouse and making that intentional time for one another for us because
we have a special needs child.
Misty
Our date nights often were like us, just escaping to the grocery store.
Misty
Together, but that's something that we enjoyed doing together, and so
finding those connection points even in the mundane, I think, is
important for us to tie heart strings together.
Peter
100% that your 100% right life is made-up of the mundane.
Peter
Like 90% of what you do in your life is fairly mundane, right? Brushing
your teeth get dressed, go to a job, go to work, stay home, wash the
dishes, clean, cook like all the things that encompass life is mostly
routine style activities that are most people don't consider sexy and fun,
you know. Although we've transformed that.
Peter
We have transformed, you know, we're foodies, so we've transformed
the grocery store into like a fun scavenger hunt.
Peter
'cause we always go by our necessities.
Peter
But then it's right, you know, like me going sometimes, but I take us
down the funny aisles or like oh what's that?
Peter
We start trying that we'll just try that.
Peter
What does that look like?
Peter
And I've never seen this vegetable before.
Peter
What can we cook with it?
Peter
Yeah, just turning it into a.
Peter
It doesn't have to be, you know, a hot air balloon ride over the deserts of
Utah, right?
Peter
Like it, it can just be us doing those things, but we find joy in it and that's
the the key to the relationship is finding joy in each other and doing
things with each other, right?
Peter
And we find a lot of joy in a lot of things like we do really.
Peter
What our kids would say.
Peter
Boring, boring stuff that.
Peter
But to us it it it feeds.
Peter
That gets us to be together and it keeps our communication open and it
pours into each other.
Peter
Kind of like you're talking about making the coffee right, but like you're
always so caring of when I'm really busy or I'm really under pressure
with several different things from several different clients.
Peter
Like you were always right there, like all of a sudden.
Peter
Maybe I'm hot tea shows up or food is made and like you're very caring
and nurturing and making sure that my environment is set-up to be
supportive.
Peter
And I don't I.
Peter
Don't have to ask that.
Peter
You just do it so that that's that's a major impact to me and that helps me
be a better person.
Peter
And that's you not being selfish, that's you being selfless.
Peter
Super important.
Misty
Yeah, and that's a that's a two way St because you know there are
things that you do to empower me and you know when I'm really
stressed and and can talk me off of a ledge and and help me work
through problems and solutions.
Misty
And with Spark Media and all the things that we're doing and so.
Misty
So you know, I love the fact that we've been able to do this in our
marriage, but then also to extend that into our business so, you know,
working with your spouse is not always the easiest thing.
Misty
We're very different in the way that we work, but I love that when we
come together and we have the mission and the vision of being
intentional.
Misty
In our lives and living for Jesus, and how that looks in our home as we
love one another, but also in a in a larger vision as we try to do and be
the people that God wants us to be in this world.
Peter
Yeah, I mean it's a definite transformation of going from just being a
couple to being a business couple and but we were so empowered by
already how our relationship already is and knowing our differences
right, I think that's really good for couples to realize you're, you know, it's
almost like doing a personality profile of each other and saying, OK, I
know that.
Peter
Peter operates in a very different way than.
Peter
I do and it may be frustrating, but that's the way he operates and so he's.
Peter
Got it, you are very rapid fire quick.
Peter
Get it done 5 minutes ago.
Peter
Like let's go go go and that's that massive contributor to your success
and what has worked so well for you because you just get stuff done and
you just you're like the old Facebook adage, move fast and break things
like that's you.
Peter
You just go right where I am like we'll stop.
Peter
Minute I need a list and let me or prioritize what's going to happen right?
Peter
I have an engineering brain and I behave differently, especially when it
comes to creative work.
Peter
That's a different.
Peter
It's a process not just to execute, but we've realized how we work
together in that and how.
Peter
It's empowering on both sides.
Peter
You with growth and just exploding and all the things you do is become.
Peter
That I see that and admire that in you.
Peter
And I want to foster that and and support it and the support of that is my
skills and capabilities that I can bring.
Peter
But that's us.
Peter
Just take it's the same marriage we just put a business lens on the front
of it and said.
Peter
Let's go like let's make it happen right in the beginning it was just you
solopreneur right there, the new term I don't.
Peter
Like but.
Peter
You just went and did it, and but I made sure you had the things you
needed to do it because I love you and I wanted to support you and I see
this vision and you've made such sacrifices in your life for us.
Peter
And I don't mean sacrificing that you like stopped what your goals and
your aspirations, but you assumed and took the role of that supporter
because it was needed.
Peter
Like we, there wouldn't have been a family.
Peter
I wouldn't have even needed to work if I didn't have you.
Peter
I had just figured something stupid out right so you you made the our
lives better by being that.
Peter
Equal support structure within the relationship right?
Peter
If marriage is a 3 legged 3 legged stool.
Peter
Definitely one of the legs, right?
Peter
And so super important, it would have fallen over.
Peter
Try to sit on 2 legged stool.
Peter
It would have fallen over without.
Peter
That so yeah.
Misty
Yeah, well, I think that's a good place to end this episode.
Misty
What I'd like to encourage our listener to do is embrace the gifting and
calling of your spouse and find ways that you can come together this
week to do those special little things that you know that make your your
spouse.
Misty
Feel special, make sure you're staying connected and that your lines of
communication are open with one another and we just encourage you to
to to just really embrace the mundane and have fun with your spouse.